Heather Seaman with something to write about

passing heaven

May 29, 2010 at 7:46 pm (Uncategorized)

“Love is here, love is now.  Love is pouring from His hands and from His brow.  Love is near, it satisfies.  Streams of mercy flowing from His side.  And to the bruised and fallen, captives bound and broken hearted… He is the lord, He is the Lord.  By his stripes he’s paid our ransom.  From his wounds we drink salvation… He is the Lord, He is the Lord.“  -Tenth Avenue says it best here.

A much needed reminder of encouragement.  I feel like I never stop pushing back tears.  It’s not fear, it’s not stress, or being overwhelmed, or going back home.  It’s not frustration or leaving Mom and Mayo.  It isn’t lack of sleep or too much pain….

It’s Loss.  That simply put, it’s loss.  Loss of what I want and who I saw myself as, who I think I need to be, and all I love to do.  It’s loss of home and job and making my own life.  The loss won’t overtake me, but what’s left of it needs to surface, even if only for this moment.

The more I research about what I have in this muscular obscurity and brain abnormality, the more I wonder how I have kept going for so long.  To try and imagine the toll it would take on one’s body and mind to have there brain read no pain as high and high pain as unbearable and then to allow the brain and body no amount of significant rest…  I would assume it to be impossible.  Maybe that’s why it’s taken the medical world so long to even address such possibility in a scientific realm.  Oh how much room for error our bodies give us.  I used to hate that.  I thought I had to strive for more when truth is what a great God, who enables us the ability to function even when so far off of His perfect design.  Thus we are all so different, a gift in disguise.

“Why are you striving, these days?  Why are you trying to earn grace?  Why are you cryin?  Let me lift up your face.  Just don’t turn away.  Why are you lookin for love?  Why are you still searching, as if I’m not enough?  To where will you go child, tell me where will you run?  Cause I’ll be by your side wherever you’re fallin, in the night whenever you’re callin.  Please don’t fight these hands that are holdin you.  My hands are holding you.  Look at these hands and my side.  I swallowed the grave on that night, when I drank the world’s sin.  So I could carry you in and give you life.  I’m gonna give you life.”  -another Tenth Avenue favorite.

Dr. Hurt said, “10 out of my 50 patience a week are like you, Heather, and not because this is common, but because the world doesn’t know what to do with you.  You all end up here.”  For someone who has strived to just be normal since the age of 10, this is a hard sentence to swallow.  I’ve learned, over the years, that all of our normals are different and with this being the start of a new beginning, I will receive yet another “new normal”.  I prayed for the old to pass.  I knew that I couldn’t go on much longer with the amount of hardship I was facing on a daily basis.  So even if my outward circumstances don’t change right away, my old has gone and in me God is working on a new creation.

*2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

How do I function, the Dr.’s wonder, “God!”  There is absolutely no other way around it.  They can call it determination or personality, but I know what this does to you and there is no amount of strength, determination, or bubbly personality that can keep you surviving such agony and madness.  There are times I have to discipline myself to pick up my foot and take a step and there are times I have to concentrate so hard just to hold something in my hand that I believe my brain might explode.  HE is how I take another step.  HE is how I get out of bed and how I gently care for the kids I teach.  HE is how I stay sane and HE is how I hope, cry, and try.  There is no human way, because everything I try to do on my own fails at some point.  He never does.  How overjoyed it makes me to only be a vessel embodying the Holy Spirit.

*2 Corinthians 4:7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.  We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

-I used to literally cry out this last song…  “How long must I pray, must I pray to you?  How long must I wait, must I wait for you?  How long till I see your face, see you shining through?  I’m on my knees, begging you to notice me.  I’m on my knees, Father will you turn to me?  One tear in the dropping rain, one voice in a sea of pain…  Could the maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart?  One life is all I am, right now I can barely stand…  If you’re everything you say you are, would you come close and hold my heart!”

I wanted God to change things.  I begged him to show-up.  He never left though.  He offers me so much more than a meeting to heal and fix.  He lavishes me with love and relationship that never goes away.  That’s the gift I want to hold onto now and forever.  The issue isn’t that we ask God to be a part of the plans we are making and the future we see for ourselves, but in doing that we often miss His voice and plan.  Then when reality doesn’t follow our dreams we think God forgot about us and we can’t imagine life any other way.  I have to choose to hold onto his promises that He knows best and won’t let my life be a failure, just a different picture than I originally set out for.

*Matthew 7:11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!